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Zefman
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Name: Joe
Location: Grand Rapids, Michigan, United States
Birthday: 11/22/1985
Gender: Male
Interests: I like reading, video games especially Halo, and cooking theres probably more but i can't remember everything just ask if you really wanna know
Expertise: Exper what now?
Occupation: Student
Industry: Other
Message: message meEmail: email me
Website: visit my website
AIM:  Jaguar42055
Member Since:
7/21/2005
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| Totally forgot I had this xanga thing, life hasnt change in like a year and a half, at least not to the point that I want to write about it, that is all. | | |
| Whats new? Hmm lets see, I have a hernia, which will be surgically fixed on the 25th. I'm getting an A in one class and a D in the other. My slacker attitude is starting to catch up with me and I fear it may ruin my college efforts. Also I'm not registered for classes for fall and winter yet so I think I'm gonna go talk to a counselor or advisor and see if I can reconcile the situation. I need a haircut, thats no biggie. I need roommates, thats a biggie. And I keep getting this feeling that time is passing me by, curse the existential nightmare that continues to cloud my life. Thats my life at a glance.
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| i think i'm just staying here in a vain attempt to hold onto something that isnt here anymore. Its beyond my time to leave, I should have left awhile ago but for some reason I stayed. But now i realize that I don't belong here, I need to be elsewhere, I need a fresh start and even though that means leaving behind all the people here that would call me "friend" I think it's what has to be done. Whether I have the balls to do it or not remains to be seen, but there's nothing left for me here and staying does me no good.
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| Had an interesting conversation that made me question my own reality. I can no longer be sure whether i'm real or not. Moreso I'm not sure if the world is real or just an elaborate fantasy created by me while I sleep life away in a coma. It's possible that currently I, that is to say the real me, am sleeping in a hospital bed completely responseless to the outside world, while on the inside I create and elaborate world of my own and put myself in it as a small portion of it. Which would mean that all my friends, memories, possessions, feelings and everything else aren't real and never really wore, I just created them to keep myself entertained while in a coma. Which means when I wake up they will all be gone and I will be confused.
Theory 2
I am in actuality an old man who is dying and in the last moments of my life I am reliving my entire life and that's all that this whole thing is. When I finish reliving my life I will die.
Theory 3
I am in a coma but sharing that coma with the collective conciousness of every other person who is in a coma and that is who my friends in this world are, just other coma patients who eventually wake up and disappear from my world to enter the real one.
Theory 4
In a coma reliving my life up until the point at which I entered the coma.
Solutions
1. If I'm dying then there isn't one
2. If in a coma I can either relearn everything I knew and wake up or die, or keep learning until I die in the coma at which point I will either wake up or die, or fall into a coma within the coma and create a whole new world within it.
Alternative
I'm already dead and this is the afterlife.
So now I ask myself has my "life" gained meaning or lost it. Is there anything I can do to wake up if I truly am asleep and what is it. Is the "life" that I might wake up to actually worth waking up to or is this a self-induced coma caused by depression and an attempt to flee the "world" that I "live" in.
If i seem a little bit off this week it's because of this so bear with me, who knows maybe it'll all work itself out for the better, conversely however it could just end up being very very bad. Only time will tell and if any of the above theories are true, well then I either have a whole lot of it or none at all so I must as well try to figure something out. All I can say is that I'm finally lucid enough to think and that is both a very good and a very bad thing depending o who you are.
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| It seems as though no matter what I do or say I never learn my lesson. At this point I've made the same mistake 3 or 4 times now, and the worst part is I always see it coming and I'm too stupid to do anything about it. I look around and watch myself do the same thing over and over again, causing myself more stress than it's worth and then wondering why I never learn my lesson. But at least I know my options: I can put up with it, forget about it or just pack my things and leave, the last two don't seem likely so I guess I have to put up with it. Whatever I do I know I'll never give up no matter how much I fuck things up and hell who knows, maybe one of these times I'll actually learn my lesson but until then just look for te guy with the bullet hole in his foot.
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